12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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