I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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