I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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