I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
