Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It's never too late to be topless.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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