my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
