You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
