My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
