I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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