Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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