He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You took a bar mat shot.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
