Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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