if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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