he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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