Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
