gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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