tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
cat food counts as protein by the way
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
