if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
