I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
