If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
