I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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