Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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