Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
