i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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