I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
