I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
In America we eat man semen.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
