last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
