He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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