don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
