well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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