I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
