She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
