She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
