I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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