meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
