I heard we made out
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
