I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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