did you get engaged???
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
