i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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