God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My feet surprised me
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
