i think my tv is drunk
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
