I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
