I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
