he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
