does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Randomize
