I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
