It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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