i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
