Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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