I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
