i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
