I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
